Tuesday, November 25, 2008

It's that time of the year again

It's that time of the year again and I think this is the funniest list ever...enjoy


1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on the pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort them to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas.

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a hoot. The time limit for the prayer is one minute.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy behind home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate using my good Tupperware knowing good and well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on you.

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your behind home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS ...YET! :-)


DeltaPurl said...

I love it

cici said...

@DeltaPurl... I am thinking about posting this or passing out flyers at the door. My family really need to read it.

Carmell said...

HAHA!!! that was good! you'd love me. i send my kids to the kids area and i don't do leftovers!!! can't be allowed 2 questions? i just don't eat ANYBODY's mac and cheese!

Kathy said...

LOL. The questions make me wackoo too. It is nobody's last meal as my friend madelon says. I hope the rules are abided by and the cook is the queen

Lola and Ava said...

Love the Tupperware rule! I'm stealing that one for next time.


Beverly said...

ROTFLMAO. I needed these rules at my house.

twogymratsmomnknitter2 said...

I love the rules. I will officially adopt these for every dinner at my house from now on. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Heather said...

OMG Hilarious! I hope it all went as directed. Can't wait to see the Christmas "rules"!

Judy said...

Thank you, we did have a great Christmas! Oh, what a great laugh I had reading this post on 'Thanksgiving Rules.' Hilarious! Happy New Year!

Seona said...

This is the funniest thing I have seen in ages - and I guess true since I can feel the sincerity in the message.

I love it.

Hope you have had a fabulous Christmas and that 2009 brings you all your dreams!

snoknits @ Ravelry

Knit Pickins said...

Ha! I love you, you are so feisty. Did not realize that you are in the DC area until just now. My brother lives there.

I think there should be a rule also about unbuttoning your pants or asking the unmarried adults if they are dating anyone. IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS!